I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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