I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
