Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Just puked most of my soul out..
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