I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize