I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
