I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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