Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
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