The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize