Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
