i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
this beer tastes like vomit already
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
