what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
