Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
