Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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