i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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