do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize