I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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