she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
