It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
