i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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