It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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