Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
