TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
