The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize