I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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