Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
