My friends, they love my intelligence
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
