its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Randomize
