Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
