I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
