Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
