I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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