I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
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