The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
