I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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