i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
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