if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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