I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
