You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
