awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
