haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
