apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
