It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
