1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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