I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
