my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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