i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
