i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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