Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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