yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Randomize
