i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
