I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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