Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
