My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
