im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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