so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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