Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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