she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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