If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
