he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
