Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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