Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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