Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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