he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
